I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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