i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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