420 ftw
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
