I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
