I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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