I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
