Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
