btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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