i think i have two assholes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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