anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We are two peas in an std pod
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
