I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
