i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
