Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
