dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
