Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I cut my penus on the lid.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
