I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize