I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
