I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
