You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
