My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
