apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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