In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
