T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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