peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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