So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
