she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
