ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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