He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
