Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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