dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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