I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
