thus making me awesome and them whores
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize