I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
