Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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