I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
