i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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