i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
