If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I just sharted jello shots
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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