So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
