Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
