Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
