I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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