He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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