Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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