Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
