Porn is love you can see.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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