i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
