Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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