I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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