dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
