We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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