i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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