omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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