Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
