life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
