Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
