she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize