thus making me awesome and them whores
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
