I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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