no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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